Embracing Solitude

My fourth month of sabbatical couldn't be captured better than Jhumpa Lahiri's words in her novel, Whereabouts.

“Solitude: it’s become my trade. As it requires a certain discipline, it’s a condition. I try to perfect. And yet it plagues me, its weighs on me in spite of my knowing it so well.”

In the beginning, making peace with solitude was not easy. I found myself distracting from it with countless movies, shows, books, and mindless scrolling on social media and YouTube. The fear of solitude morphing into loneliness held me back from truly enjoying my own company, while the pressure to be productive and show tangible results from my well-deserved break loomed over me.

However, my fourth month has been a transformative experience of learning to be okay with not being okay. April became a month of embracing boredom, allowing myself to do nothing and finding contentment in it. I discovered that being productive during a sabbatical could mean cooking for my family, reading books, lounging in the coolness of an air-conditioned room on a scorching summer day, or simply falling asleep whenever I pleased. Liberating myself from rigid schedules, I began accepting that the ups and downs of my mind are natural and part of the process of taking a break. It was my own mind that had been pressuring me to conform to societal norms.

Throughout my life, my body had become accustomed to following a schedule. The activities may have changed over the years, but chaos was always structured. I started working at a young age and had been constantly busy ever since, leaving little time to contemplate life or discover what truly made me happy. This month, however, has been an opportunity to truly know myself and indulge in activities that bring me joy.

Proof of my relaxation can be found in my absence from social media, the lack of blog posts, and reduced engagement with others. Solitude was initially intimidating, but I have come to realize its significance for personal growth.

During this time, I have relished the warmth of terrace tiles on hot summer afternoons and the fleeting happiness brought by a cool breeze on a humid day. I have found solace in the company of a good book accompanied by a warm drink. I have learned to prioritize my enjoyment and actively practiced the art of "DNF" (Did Not Finish) when it comes to things that fail to bring me joy. I even took up embroidery, simply because I could. Most importantly, I have rediscovered the joy of spending quality time with my partner and deepening our love in these early years of marriage.

In the past, work consumed a significant portion of my day, causing me to overlook the small joys of life. April served as a reminder to cherish what I have and revel in its fleeting nature. I want to share with others that even in the face of anxiety, taking a sabbatical is worthwhile. It is an investment in self-discovery and personal growth that outweighs any momentary unease.